Finding Bigfoot.

Once upon a time, I took a trip to Virginia.
And then embarked upon a lovely three day drive back to Idaho with my lovely aunt.
Things were running less than smooth.
There was illness.
Ice.
And pizza.
It was our last night in a hotel, and we were both delirious from a days worth of travel.
She hopped in the shower, and I turned the television on to my usual hotel channel,
ANIMAL PLANET.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
The show currently playing was "Finding Bigfoot."
Something compelled me to stay on the channel.
It was as if a ghost, a ghost with hypnotic eyes and a very suggestive voice was whispering
"Staaaay. Stay and watch. You'll looooove it. Rainbows and kittens. Learning."
I just can't resist hypnotic ghost eyes.
So I stayed.
Oh, misfortune.
Oh, the things I have seen.
There are three main characters. I have drawn them for you in paint to illustrate my point.
*Note. I don't remember what any of them look like. This is my best dramatic reenactment.*

Ranae Holland.

• Likes science.
• Secretly (or not) a lesbian
• Perpetually unhappy
• Argues
• Cool haircut                                                                           

Matt Moneymaker

•       Probably just there to make the show seem real.
• Moneymaker can NOT be his real last name.
• According to Wikipedia, founded some bigfoot search party.
• Old.

James (BOBO) Fay

•  Willingly goes by "Bobo"
• Bobo? Seriously? Are you a clown? Or a dancing bear?
• Says dumb things.
• Unfortunate face.
• Makes "Squatch" calls and hits trees with sticks.
• Swears in front of children.

Okay, I need to see if my drawings were accurate.

*pause for google search*

SPOT ON.

Ahem.

Needless to say, I learned many things.

DID YOU KNOW that there are packs of Sasquatches all over in different areas?

Like, tribes. And there are shamans and stuff.

ALSO, they eat Kangaroos. Which is downright unforgiveable.

   And people call them 'SQUATCHES.' Which must be absolutely demoralizing. For the sasquatches, I mean.

Anyway, the next day was the final day of driving. I had begun to catch the death illness, and so we were both delirious as we took a drive through beautiful woods and mountains.

We proclaimed it official 'squatch' territory, and, amidst half-laugh-half-mucus giggles, stated that we would some day become the squatches of this land.

And that's when the ridiculousness started.

We hatched a plot.

A plot that would forever shame the most likely single and flatulent Bobo.

We would begin by completely un-making every assumption that the crew had ever had about bigfoot. Soon, they would be finding tweed jackets and bowties covered in squatch hair.

Solved rubix cubes covered in the same hair would also litter the forest.

Squatch newspapers and outhouses would be constructed. 

A facebook page, created by sasquatches and titled 'hate Bobo" would appear.

And finally, we would go to the tallest mountain and write his name in skulls of our animal kills. When he heaved his way up to look at it, we would knock him out, put lipstick on him, shave him, and glue squatch hair all over him.

It was brilliant. We would rule the land.

Then, amidst more death-rattle-giggles, my aunt asked...

"What do you think a Mexican sasquatch would look like?"

Which basically just lead to me listing off every racial profile ever.

Mexisquatch

They wear sombreros and live underground.

The shaman's staff is actually just a giant churro.

(I swear I'm not actually racist.)

We continued to profile every race of bigfoot ever.

Asian Squatch

The Asians were wise. Mustached. Black belts. Set up the "hate Bobo" facebook page.

So on and so forth.

Which lead me to my next brilliant idea.

SASQUATCH OLYMPICS.

It's gonna be big.

Basically all 'Finding Bigfoot' did was convince me that my suspicions that anyone who believes in bigfoot is crazy. Especially the teacher who told my sister that bigfoot is actually just Cain.

-Moral of the story, churros are delicious.-