Once upon a time, my friends and I took a fabulous trip to the beautiful world of the Festival of Colors in Utah.
That was a wonderful, magical adventure filled with wonder and fancy, but I want to focus on something for a moment.
LUSH.
Before we went to the color festives, we made our way over to the City Creek shopping center in Salt Lake.
After visiting the clothing stores, we noticed they had a Lush. (Lush is a store that sells delightful natural beauty products)
We wandered the store, testing this and that, and then noticed a little corner with toothpaste and whatnots.
We made our way over when we noticed a sign that said
"CHEWABLE TOOTHPASTE TABLETS"
Or something that sounded more alluring and less like a rabbit treat.
We studied the flavors with great interest, until we found the most interesting delicious sounding one.
THE BREATH OF GOD
Tanner, Mary and I each grabbed one with greedy fingers,
excited to taste what we were sure would be the most incredible, life changing toothpaste tablet ever.
I was picturing rainbows and cherubs and sparkles. I was sure a unicorn would burst its way through someone's stomach and high five my blissful tongue.
At the very least, there would have had to be a burst of angel light and magic trumpets that serenaded my freshly cleansed teeth.
This made the real experience that much more emotionally scarring.
The taste that erupted in my mouth as I popped that little tablet in my mouth was far less like I had wandered into a forest of delight and wonder and magic, and more like, well,
Vomit. On fire.
The next few moments were filled with horrible battlefield gurgles and death screams.
Mary, seeing Tanner and my horrified faces, quickly threw that thing back where it came from. Or as close to it as we could be.
Unfortunately, we were too close to dying to make the trip to Mount Doom.
Tanner and I were flailing around, trying to figure out what to do with what was a quickly deteriorating situation.
I'm pretty sure several layers of my throat had already burned away.
At this moment, a lovely assistant man came over to compliment Tan on his shoes and ask about their origins.
Tanner survived the added trial with grace, thanking the guy as the slightly minty foam from hell filled his mouth.
After perpetual years of firey sewer tastebud torture,
we decided to do what years of evolution has taught us,
namely read the instructions.
It advised us not to swallow,
and to spit in the nearest sink.
Which we promptly obeyed after locating said sink.
After that, we continued to die for the next two hours.
After exiting the store like bats out of hades.
I had death breath for the next life of my life.
We renamed the little creep
THE PISS OF SATAN
on account of that was the most horrifying and emotionally traumatizing experience of my life.
But hey, Lush products are great.
That one just wasn't so much.
That was a wonderful, magical adventure filled with wonder and fancy, but I want to focus on something for a moment.
LUSH.
Before we went to the color festives, we made our way over to the City Creek shopping center in Salt Lake.
After visiting the clothing stores, we noticed they had a Lush. (Lush is a store that sells delightful natural beauty products)
We wandered the store, testing this and that, and then noticed a little corner with toothpaste and whatnots.
We made our way over when we noticed a sign that said
"CHEWABLE TOOTHPASTE TABLETS"
Or something that sounded more alluring and less like a rabbit treat.
We studied the flavors with great interest, until we found the most interesting delicious sounding one.
THE BREATH OF GOD
Tanner, Mary and I each grabbed one with greedy fingers,
excited to taste what we were sure would be the most incredible, life changing toothpaste tablet ever.
I was picturing rainbows and cherubs and sparkles. I was sure a unicorn would burst its way through someone's stomach and high five my blissful tongue.
At the very least, there would have had to be a burst of angel light and magic trumpets that serenaded my freshly cleansed teeth.
This made the real experience that much more emotionally scarring.
The taste that erupted in my mouth as I popped that little tablet in my mouth was far less like I had wandered into a forest of delight and wonder and magic, and more like, well,
Vomit. On fire.
The next few moments were filled with horrible battlefield gurgles and death screams.
Mary, seeing Tanner and my horrified faces, quickly threw that thing back where it came from. Or as close to it as we could be.
Unfortunately, we were too close to dying to make the trip to Mount Doom.
Tanner and I were flailing around, trying to figure out what to do with what was a quickly deteriorating situation.
I'm pretty sure several layers of my throat had already burned away.
At this moment, a lovely assistant man came over to compliment Tan on his shoes and ask about their origins.
Tanner survived the added trial with grace, thanking the guy as the slightly minty foam from hell filled his mouth.
After perpetual years of firey sewer tastebud torture,
we decided to do what years of evolution has taught us,
namely read the instructions.
It advised us not to swallow,
and to spit in the nearest sink.
Which we promptly obeyed after locating said sink.
After that, we continued to die for the next two hours.
After exiting the store like bats out of hades.
I had death breath for the next life of my life.
We renamed the little creep
THE PISS OF SATAN
on account of that was the most horrifying and emotionally traumatizing experience of my life.
But hey, Lush products are great.
That one just wasn't so much.
1 comment:
I've never seen a Lush store, but thanks for the warning. I won't be trying the chewable toothpaste!
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